Introduction
In my earlier article, The Different Faces of Polygamy Around the World, I explored how multiple-partner relationships manifest differently across societies, religions and cultures. I examined traditional Islamic polygyny, the changing practice of polygyny in different Muslim countries, and the emergence of alternative relationship arrangements in Western societies, including open relationships, swinging and polyamory. The article generated interesting reactions and further questions from readers.
One reader made an observation that I found particularly thought-provoking. He argued that,
“The truth is that men have a natural inclination towards polygamy, whether the law permits it or not. What some people reject is not necessarily the practice itself, but its formal recognition within marriage. They condemn polygamy in a marital arrangement while tolerating or practising it through extramarital affairs.
Next time, I would like Prof. to research the reasons behind marriage breakdown across the world. I am confident that such research would reveal significant cases of infidelity and extramarital relationships, particularly in societies where monogamy is the only legally recognised marital arrangement.
Human nature cannot simply be wished away. Thanks to Islam for recognising polygamy as a legitimate marital arrangement, with clear responsibilities and conditions.”
I found his submission sufficiently interesting to deserve more than a brief response in the comments section. It raises important questions about human biology, sexual desire, hormonal differences, personality, psychological makeup, marital expectations, infidelity, divorce and the influence of religion, culture and legislation on human relationships.
I therefore decided to expand my response into a separate article, examining these issues from both biological and psychological perspectives, while reflecting on my own observations and experiences with polygyny.
The central question is this: Are we sometimes condemning within marriage what we tolerate outside marriage? And to what extent do our biological and psychological realities influence the way we approach monogamy, polygyny, fidelity and marital commitment?
Thank you for this thoughtful observation. I agree that human nature cannot simply be wished away by legislation, religious restrictions or social expectations. However, I think we need to examine this subject from two broad perspectives: our biological makeup and our psychological makeup.
1. Our biological makeup
There is a biological argument for why men, on average, may have a stronger or more persistent desire for sexual intimacy than women. Testosterone, the principal male sex hormone, plays an important role in male libido. Its levels fluctuate throughout the day, generally peaking in the morning and declining towards the evening. Women's reproductive hormones, particularly oestrogen and progesterone, fluctuate considerably across the menstrual cycle, and sexual desire also changes with these hormonal variations.
In many women, sexual desire increases around ovulation, although individual experiences differ considerably. Some women also experience premenstrual syndrome (PMS), while others suffer from the more severe full-blown depression called Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), which can cause significant physical and psychological distress in the days preceding menstruation. Menstruation itself may also affect intimacy, especially coitus.
Age introduces another dimension. Testosterone gradually declines in men with age, while women experience a more pronounced hormonal decline around menopause, which commonly occurs between 45 and 55 years. This can affect sexual desire, vaginal comfort and overall sexual and psychological wellbeing. However, it is important to recognise that menopause does not automatically eliminate a woman's interest in intimacy, just as ageing does not eliminate a man's sexual capacity.
Indeed, men can retain reproductive capacity well into old age, although fertility and sexual function generally decline with age. A healthy man may retain the ability to father children well into his 70s and 80s and, in rare cases, even into his 90s. A notable example is Australian Dr. John Levin, who fathered a child at the age of 92 with his 37-year-old wife.
These biological differences do not mean that every man wants multiple wives or partners or that every woman prefers monogamy. They simply demonstrate that men and women may experience sexual desire differently, and that individual differences are substantial.
This is one reason I find the Islamic arrangement interesting. The Qur'an permits a man to marry two, three or four wives, but immediately places justice at the centre of that permission. If he fears that he cannot be just, he is instructed to marry only one. Financial capability and the responsibilities of marriage are equally important considerations.
From my personal experience, I find two wives to be a potentially optimal arrangement for some men, despite the enormous emotional, financial and logistical challenges of polygyny. I am certainly not suggesting that everybody should rush into it. It is a personal observation, not a universal prescription.
I believe this may be one of the factors contributing to the prevalence of extramarital affairs, particularly in societies that strongly discourage or legally prohibit polygyny, as is the case in much of the Western world.
I follow recorded court proceedings in the United States, and issues relating to infidelity, paternity disputes and marital breakdown appear repeatedly. The prominence of these cases has even given rise to specialised television programmes such as Paternity Court and Divorce Court.
Consider some high-profile examples: NVIDIA CEO Jensen Huang has reportedly acknowledged an extramarital affair few days ago; Bill Gates' marriage ended in divorce in 2021 amid reports of infidelity; Arnold Schwarzenegger's marriage to Maria Shriver ended in 2011 following revelations of an affair and a child outside the marriage; and Jeff Bezos' marriage ended in divorce in 2019 amid reports surrounding his relationship with another woman. These examples illustrate that wealth, fame, education and social status do not necessarily protect people from marital difficulties.
In Northern Nigeria, however, one gets the impression that extramarital affairs do not lead to divorce as frequently, even in cases where videos or other evidence of the husband's conduct become public. Our women may have a higher tolerance for such behaviour, perhaps partly because of financial dependence, economic hardship and the difficulty of starting life afresh – especially when they have many children - after a marriage ends. This is, of course, an observation that deserves proper investigation rather than a conclusion that can be generalised to all women.
I would also argue that polygyny, when practised responsibly, may provide a legitimate marital framework for men who desire more than one partner and could, in some circumstances, reduce the temptation to engage in extramarital relationships. However, it is certainly not a guaranteed solution. Some men in polygynous marriages are still unfaithful, just as infidelity occurs in strictly monogamous marriages.
2. Our psychological makeup
Biology alone cannot explain human sexual behaviour, marital satisfaction or infidelity. Our psychological makeup is equally important.
We are unique individuals, shaped by both nature and nurture. Our personalities can be understood through the Big Five personality model, popularly represented by the acronym OCEAN:
• Openness to experience
• Conscientiousness
• Extraversion (introvert, extrovert, etc.)
• Agreeableness
• Neuroticism
Each trait exists along a spectrum, and the complex interaction of these characteristics produces different personality profiles. Personality becomes increasingly stable as we mature, usually around 18 – 25 years, although it can continue evolving throughout later adulthood.
Some individuals also develop personality disorders, including narcissistic, borderline, paranoid, obsessive-compulsive and antisocial (psychopath and sociopath) personality disorders. Psychiatric illnesses such as bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorders and schizophrenia can also influence relationships and sexual behaviour.
For example, hypersexuality can occur during manic or hypomanic episodes of bipolar disorder. Certain personality patterns such as narcissism, borderline, and histrionic may also contribute to impulsivity, unstable relationships, attention-seeking, promiscuity or difficulties maintaining emotional exclusivity.
However, these conditions do not automatically make someone unfaithful or promiscuous. Many people without any psychiatric diagnosis could also engage in extramarital relationships, while many people living with mental health conditions could maintain faithfulness and stable marriages. This is why I believe that two individuals with similar biological characteristics can have completely different attitudes towards marriage, sexual exclusivity and polygyny.
3. Strict monogamy, infidelity and marital breakdown
This brings me to what I consider one of the most interesting contradictions in modern society.
Some people strongly oppose polygyny within marriage but tolerate, conceal or even practise multiple sexual relationships outside marriage. In other words, they reject the formal marital recognition of multiple relationships without necessarily rejecting the underlying human desire for them. Under U.S. law, entering into multiple legal marriages is forbidden; however, cohabiting with multiple partners or having children outside of marriage carries no legal consequences. This is the Western double standard at best or hypocrisy at worst.
It is almost as though the unwritten rule is: indulge in extramarital affairs or whatever private fetishes you wish, but make sure your wife and the public never find out. The revelations surrounding the Epstein files offer a disturbing illustration of how far some of these secret lifestyles can go.
Strict monogamy, particularly the uncompromising expectation of 'one partner until death do us part', can become problematic when it is treated as an absolute social expectation without acknowledging the complexities of human relationships. Some people remain faithful throughout their lives; others struggle with sexual incompatibility, unmet expectations, emotional disconnection or changing circumstances.
When a marriage becomes irreparably dysfunctional, separation or divorce may sometimes be the most rational solution. I am certainly not glorifying divorce or encouraging people to abandon their marriages. Far from it. Marriage deserves commitment, patience, sacrifice and every reasonable effort to resolve conflicts. But preserving a marriage at all costs is not necessarily a virtue when it becomes destructive to the people involved.
Interestingly, societies that prohibit formal polygyny do not necessarily eliminate multiple sexual relationships. Infidelity, extramarital affairs and concealed relationships still occur. This is worth investigating when examining marital breakdown across different societies.
However, we must be careful not to conclude that monogamy itself causes infidelity or that polygyny automatically prevents it. Infidelity occurs in both monogamous and polygynous societies. It is influenced by individual values, personality, opportunity, relationship satisfaction, sexual expectations and many other factors.
4. Why I appreciate the Islamic arrangement
What I particularly appreciate about Islam is that it does not pretend that every man will be satisfied with one wife throughout his lifetime. Rather than simply prohibiting the possibility of another marriage, it recognises polygyny as a legitimate marital arrangement and attaches conditions, rights and responsibilities to it.
The husband must provide maintenance, uphold the rights of his wives and strive for justice. It is not simply permission to satisfy sexual appetite. It is an additional family responsibility.
Of course, polygyny is not a cure for infidelity, marital incompatibility or irresponsible behaviour. A man can have four wives and still be unfaithful. Equally, millions of men in monogamous marriages remain completely faithful. Ultimately, the quality of a marriage depends on much more than the number of partners.
My central argument is this: Human nature is complex. Biology influences desire, psychology influences behaviour, and culture, religion and legislation influence how people organise their relationships. Rather than assuming that prohibiting a particular marital arrangement eliminates the underlying human inclination, we should examine how different societies manage these realities and which arrangements best protect the rights, dignity and welfare of everyone involved.
That is why I appreciate the Islamic recognition of polygyny, not as an obligation for every man, but as a permissible marital arrangement governed by justice and responsibility. Interestingly, some Christians and Christian denominations today accept and practise polygyny, pointing to the Bible, which recounts several prophets and other prominent figures who had multiple wives.
And perhaps the most important question is not simply whether a society practises monogamy or polygyny, but whether its marital system genuinely protects women, children and families while holding men accountable for their responsibilities.
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